Fuck Alberta

 

Fuck you, Alberta. Fuck all of you West-Texas wannabe Brokeback Mountain extras. Fuck your rodeos, fuck your oil, but most of all, fuck your disproportionately self-centered view of Canada.

Now that your Reform/Alliance/Back-Door Conservative Party is in power, you’re claiming victory. Victory? Victory over what? Was it a victory over the rest of Canada? Well, that’s a pleasant thought: It’s us against you. That’s very inclusive of you and your apparently-national Conservative Party.

Of course, you’re all claiming that this will end Western Alienation, but what exactly is that? It can’t be a lack of representation in the federal government, because in the last Liberal cabinet, an MP from Edmonton was holding one of the highest ranks possible. Did that not count? Of course not, because she seemed to think that there is actually a Canada outside of Alberta.

Does it have something to do with money? Are you so selfish that you hate sharing your current surplus with the poorer provinces in the confederation? You guys were still able to eliminate your provincial deficit, so what’s the issue? Besides, Ontario has been on the giving end of equalization payments much longer, but I guess it doesn’t count if it doesn’t involve Alberta.

Or perhaps, just maybe, Western Alienation is just another way of saying “we’re not getting exactly what we think we’re entitled to.” So when Harper said “the West is in,” I began to wonder what exactly that meant. I guess the rest of the country will have to wait while you guys get first crack at the federal trough, turning Canada into “Alberta, featuring Canada on drums.”

The honest truth is I have absolutely no idea what you guys want. What the hell could you guys want? Perhaps the Conservative Party’s campaign should have provided the answer, instead of being the campaign of scary things best left unsaid. That gag order on all of the candidates’ social views sure worked wonders, eh? Now prejudice can have a place in Canadian law once again. All of the Christians are sure happy about that.

Oh, and that fucking GST cut. What a stupid vote-grab that was. I know Stephen Harper knows that a consumption tax cut is a weak, short-sighted economic move when compared to an income tax cut. He is a fucking economist, after all. But he’s a neo-con first, apparently. The type who will pull all of the strings to get a position they would never be allowed near if they were honest about their intentions. Be proud, Alberta.

What’s really sad about this whole situation is that you guys wouldn’t be at the centre of this fragile minority government if it wasn’t for all of those non-Toronto ridings in southern Ontario that went to the Conservatives. Yet most of you guys seem to be completely ignoring that. That’s great news. I certainly hope the people in those ridings who voted for your personal party will take note of your near-sighted outlook and remember it once it’s time to go to the polls again, which shouldn’t be too far away.

After all, this is a very slim minority. There isn’t much room for error. In fact, the only easy way for your Conservatives to hold power is for them to court the Bloc Quebecois in their legislation. So that means a public referendum on same-sex marriage, with more equalization payments to Quebec. Or how about a nice big corporate tax-cut and Kyoto accord retraction attached to a bill that gives provinces the complete right to set their own laws. Yeah, Canada sure needed a change like this.

Speaking of change, I’ve been wondering something. There was a lot of talk in your neck of the woods about how this long period of one party in power was politically unhealthy for the country. That confused me a little. After all, while it was the Liberal party the whole time, there was at least a change in leadership 10 years in. Meanwhile, in your own province, your current Premier has been in office since 1992! How politically healthy is that!? And you keep unquestioningly electing him in landslide victories! Smell that? The room just filled up with hypocrisy. Someone open a window.

But none of this matters, because you guys are the new economic engine of Canada, right? You guys deserve the power, because you’re driving the money train now, right? Wrong. Your current boom is based on oil, and we all know how stable that commodity is. Don’t believe me? Take a quick look at the other oil-rich areas of the globe. Oh yeah, those places are living a nice, normal, smooth economic life. Enjoy this while it lasts, because the country would be more financially secure if we bet our GDP on Moonbeam in the 3rd race at Woodbine.

It really is too bad that none of the ridings inside any of Canada’s consistent, tried-and-tested economic engines went to Conservatives. Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver... they all went to the other guys. That can’t be good for Canada. But wait, I forgot that you guys aren’t interested in what’s good for Canada; just what’s good for Alberta. You fuckers.

So fuck you, Alberta. You now have the attention of the rest of Canada, so make the most of it. I know you won’t, though. You’re going to stuff your pockets and run, and then, once this government falls apart, your party isn’t going to get a second chance for a long time. Remember what happened to Mulroney’s party? Yeah, it’s going to be like that, only a heck of a lot sweeter. I can’t wait.

My only hope is that you don’t do too much damage, but this whole thing is like giving a toddler a bowl of hot tomato soup. Fuck you, fucknuts.

cb@chrisbattaglia.com