Life Without the Internet

 

Can you imagine what life must be like without the internet? I know: it sounds far-fetched, crazy even. You’re probably thinking “Chris, there’s clearly no such thing.” I would be inclined to agree, but the statistics tell a very different story (and how dare you address me by my first name! It’s “Mr. Battaglia, ESQ” or “Oh, Great/Sexy One” to you). Apparently, only 15.7% of the entire world actually lives a full, complete, online life. The rest reside in the dark ages, unable to use the live updating scoreboards on ESPN.com, listen to radio stations from all over the world play the same damn songs, or unlock the mysteries of the universe on Wikipedia, and then vandalize them. That doesn’t sound like living to me.

Granted, those statistics do include all of the loser countries, which are home to a surprising number of people. Of course, I never knew they existed before now, because I’ve never chatted with any of them on AIM or MSN Messenger. And yes, they are loser countries. I can say that with complete confidence because they’ll probably never get a chance to read this. Losers.

But even if you look at the continent that matters most, North America, there is still one third of the population without the world at their fingertips. How can these people not even have dial-up yet? I’m pretty sure you can get it for free these days. These poor souls can’t possibly know how incomplete their life is. If they did, they would never let this atrocity continue. It’s difficult for me to comprehend all of the essentials that these people live without. Just think of all the missed opportunities. Imagine how many free iPods they could have by now. If they only knew.

And what about the world of top-class free entertainment they will never be exposed to? Cultural icons like the Numa Numa kid and... the rest of them are exclusive to the internet. To think that there are those living among us who have never witnessed the genius of a poorly-rehearsed lip-synch act posted on YouTube makes me fear for our society, especially the children.

Somebody has to think of the children. Life must be torture for a 13-year old boy attempting to discover the joys of masturbation, but without access to the internet’s vast network of pornography. Resorting to paying bums to buy the latest Playboy for you is no way to grow up in the 21st century. And what about the vast number of barely legal teens that miss out on career opportunities because they have no webcams? What a horrible waste of (sometimes) natural resources.

The overall severity of this situation, however, goes far beyond pubescent wanking and amateur videos, or any combination thereof. People’s souls are at risk. Without an e-mail address or MySpace account, the internet-impoverished are unable to receive chain e-mails or MySpace bulletins that could change their life. All they have to do is forward the message to at least 5 or 10 friends, and they could have good luck for the next 10 years and/or the person they secretly admire will blow them. But if they don’t, they will be forever cursed with bad luck and/or no blow-jobs, ever. How can those without the means to forward these messages protect themselves from their wrath?

This is a problem that requires urgent attention. Forget committing 0.7% of the GDP to stopping poverty worldwide; there’s a much bigger problem at home. We should be focusing our attention on the essentials; the 3 M’s: Modems, Monitors, and Microprocessors. Once this issue is fully addressed, I believe strongly that the rest of society’s ills will right themselves. After all: is a life without the internet really a life worth living?

cb@chrisbattaglia.com