USA PSPs to be Sold by White House

(Disclaimer: This is a fake news article. Any and all references to real people were made up, and it is all in good humour. If I get sued by any of the people mentioned in this piece, I'll kick their fucking ass.)

(Disclaimer on the Disclaimer: That was not meant as a threat... Look, just don't sue.)

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In the face of ongoing peril in Iraq, charges of gross mismanagement and cronyism at home, and a sinking influence in global affairs, the Bush White House reaffirmed its commitment to the wellbeing of the American public with the introduction of the Patriot Service Plan.

Buying the PSP ensures full coverage and protection in the event of an empire collapse, for up to 10 years, depending on the level of coverage paid for, above and beyond the protection from defective policy currently offered by the federal government, which has proven to be unreliable recently.

Sale of the PSPs should also help put a slight dent in the trillions in debt that the federal government has incurred over the past 5 years, without raising taxes, allowing gays equal rights, or taking anyone’s gun away.

“It is our way of providing peace-of-mind to the people of this great nation” said press secretary Scott McClellan in a press conference earlier today. When asked why Americans now need something extra like a PSP to ensure they are protected, McClellan questioned the reporter’s patriotism: “Are you saying you don’t want the American people to be at peace?”

The details of the Patriot Service Plan include a partnership with corporations like retail giant Wal-Mart to provide in-store shelter, food, clothing, and ammunition, and with tobacco conglomerate Philip Morris to ease nerves with plenty of smooth, clean-filtered cigarettes. Among the other corporations included in the plan are defense contractor Lockheed Martin, information distributor News Corp., and Halliburton.

Critics, such as entertain-umentary filmmaker and writer Michael Moore, accuse the corporations of profiteering, and claim that this is another example of how the federal government is contracting out its job of providing security to the American people.

Moore could not be reached for comment on how he would slow or stop the rapid decay of the American empire.

Kent Conrad, a Democratic Senator for the state of North Dakota, also expressed his outrage over the PSP.

“It certainly seems like something that should perhaps be scrutinized to determine whether or not there are any ulterior motives behind its implementation. Or not.”

Despite the opposition, there is hope among republican supporters that PSP sales will help alleviate the concern that the war on Terror has crippled America’s economic, political, and military power abroad.

“The terrorists think they have won,” said Neil Cavuto during a Fox News editorial. “Prove them wrong by being a true patriot and buying a PSP for America, and for yourself.”

“Just because most of our armed forces and funds are tied up in Iraq, and international trust of the USA is at an all-time low, and our main superpower-competitor, China, basically owns our asses because of the money we owe them… I forgot what my point was.”

Conservative columnist William Kristol showed excitement about the PSP. “This plan will provide full coverage when the Chinese topple our hold on the world in late 2009.”

He then added, “Did I say that out loud? Don’t print that.”

cb@chrisbattaglia.com