People Commentary #1

 

The 20-Years-Too-Late Punker

This guy showed up at a friend’s party. He was a little taller than me, and pretty skinny. His round head was accentuated by his cropped bleached straight hair, which did a good job framing his not-quite emo glasses. The black jeans he was wearing were a little on the tight side, not exactly the best choice for someone with legs as gangly as his. But it was his jacket, the centerpiece of his ensemble, which really outlined who this guy was.

A black leather jacket with bright metallic clasps and zippers all over it, covered in buttons for and against every cause imaginable… it just screamed “clueless punker.” It was like someone decided to hold pro-choice-life-gay-christ-anarchist-wrestling rally on his jacket. The jacket was a piece of clothing that foreshadowed everything this guy was about to say or do.

Oh, yeah, he happened to bring his band’s demo CD along. Big surprise, eh? It eventually made its way into the stereo, and, another shocker, it was terrible. Dude, disillusioned 80s youth called, they want their movement back. There’s nothing ideological left in screaming into a microphone while your band plays really simple stuff really fast. Sorry. Maybe if you were born 20 years ago the shit your band was producing would have some sort of meaning, but I bet you would have been too caught up in mimicking some fringe style from the 1960s to notice.

Look, I’m sorry you hate your mom’s basement so much, but that’s no reason to take your anger out on a CD. That piece of plastic is ruined now, thanks to you. Even if it were to be melted down and recycled into something else, whatever it became would forever be stained with the curse of the poseur.

He actually described himself as “your friendly neighborhood drug addict” more than once! What the fuck!? Is that supposed to be his way of making himself seem like a cool and edgy rebel? Oh my god! He’s done drugs… and he’s okay about it! No way! Keep talking like that, and the air-headed punk whore tools will be all over you in no time dude!

Sad thing was: they actually were. He had brought his groupies with him to the party. Man, were they fucking dumb. Modern punk-hippies whose ideologies are shaped around pamphlets someone handed them on the subway, and are as thin as the paper those pamphlets were printed on. This, however, doesn’t stop them from removing all doubt about how ignorant they actually are by ranting about something that conflicts with their easily-readable pamphlet bibles. If I haven’t said this before, I’ll say it now: clueless headstrong bitches with a purpose are the poster-children for mandatory sterilization.

Of course, this was all an internal monologue, because I was too lazy to say it out loud and deal with the aftermath.

I really need a voice recorder.

cb@chrisbattaglia.com