Music I Don't Like, but Everyone Thinks I Should

(Keep in mind this is only music that it seems I would like but don’t. There’s plenty of terrible music I hate, but there’s no reason for me to like it in the first place, so I won’t bother going into detail about it here.)

I love rock. It really couldn't get much more simple than that. I just love rock music. Old rock, new rock, hard rock, punk rock, funk rock, it's all good, as long as it's good. But that's the key: the music has to be good. I know that "good" is a very subjective term, so I'll show you what I think of as good by talking about two bands that, by all other standards, I should love, but I don't, because to me, they aren't any good.

System of a Down

I just don’t get it. By all logic, looking at the music I like to listen to, I should love these guys, but I don’t. I just don’t get what makes them good. It definitely can’t be their message, because I can think of a number of other groups who have done it better and with much more intelligence and cleverness (if you don’t believe me, I’m afraid you’re beyond my help. Stop reading this). So then what is it about their sound that makes people love them?

To me, System is a mediocre metal offshoot that tries way too hard to be more. I think I would be more accepting of their music if they just admitted to themselves that they are, in fact, nothing special, and played as such. When they try to mask their frantic screamo-thrash shout-fest with super-fast tempos, ridiculously chaotic rhythm changes, and a few pop-hooks thrown in for good measure, all they really succeed in doing is proving my point.

The one thing I hear most from System fans is that they are so unique, so different from all of the other pop nü-metal garbage that populates the screamo scene of today. Of course, they use a more euphemistic phrasing, but the idea is the same. When people tell me that, I think of a monkey pushing a cat into a running electric sander while banging a steel drum with a mallet he is holding in his tail, and screeching in enjoyment all the while. That would be unique too, no? It would also be incredibly annoying and pointless. I think you see my point here. It’s not enough to just be unique. There has to be some talent of some kind as well. I’d rather listen to something tried, tested, and true played by someone who can really make music than something that is just unique, like the monkey scenario above. To me, System of a Down is just different. Not in a bad way, but not in a good one either.

I find their songs very difficult to listen to because they don’t groove, they don’t rock, and yet they don’t have a purpose that I can see in them either, beyond being unique of course. There’s a nice possibility that I am missing the purpose of their music, and if someone is willing to explain to me what that purpose is, I’m all ears. Chances are I’ll be able to point out another band that does the same thing they do, only better, but I would still like to know what it is they do that I can’t discern from their unique ADHD-patients-with-instruments sound.

(Yes, I used the word “unique” a lot in the above paragraphs. To all who didn’t get it, I was making a subtle reference to the old paradox that if everything’s unique, then nothing is.)

Coldplay

Everyone loves them, and this causes me to scratch my head and furrow my brow in confusion. When I listen to their music, I hear the sound of total mediocrity eminating from the speakers. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with their music, there just isn’t anything in it. Why then do so many girls almost climax when they hear one of the many similar piano intros to their songs? News flash: using a piano is not an original concept. Is it Chris Martin’s high-pitched British accent then? After all, he is banging Gwyneth Paltrow, but then again, their kid’s name is Apple, so I’m assuming she has issues.

Seriously, where’s the good? There’s nothing original about their ballads, there are many other singers in much better groups that can hit high notes (Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age comes to mind), and their songs don’t really rock or groove or develop in any even slightly significant way. Then again, this could actually serve to explain their popularity. They seem to define easy listening for the 21st century. They make agreeable and simple poppy melodies that anyone who has taken piano lessons can hear and say “I can play that!” Could this be what gives them their massive popularity? I have no idea, but it’s the best hypothesis I have at this moment. It’s difficult to explain why a band whose music would be better suited for background noise in a hotel lobby gets so much attention and has such a huge following. It really is.

If you do think that Coldplay is a rock band that deserves the recognition it gets, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me in an attempt to explain your watered-down taste in music. But before you do, allow me to point out one interesting little comparison. If you go to a concert where another big-name rock band is performing, the crowd usually sings along to the songs as they jump around and raise the rock horns. If you go to a Coldplay concert, the crowd attempts to sing along, but decides instead to just let out very high-pitched screams every chance they get. If you can tell a lot about a band by its fans, what does this tell you about Coldplay?

It could be that all of this talk about Coldplay only serves to demonstrate the overtly obvious fact that I don’t understand the female sex in any way, shape or form. But hey, if they love Coldplay, I may have found the first positive aspect of my complete lack of understanding.

cb@chrisbattaglia.com