Okay Muslim world, be honest. All of this outrage you’re expressing has nothing to do with the cartoons, does it?

The cartoons depicting your prophet were published last September, and you’re still protesting them. Nobody throws a tantrum like this over a bunch of drawings, so be honest. This isn’t about the cartoons.

Is it because we always leave the toilet seat up? I know it must be difficult for you to go in those big cover-all drapes you wear.

Do we take too many nights out with the guys? Is it because you don’t believe we’re just playing a little poker and smoking a few cigars?

Have we been forgetting to hug you and say how much we love you? Did we say you looked fat in that robe? Is this a culmination of a bunch of factors that have been building up over time?

Wait, I think I’ve got it: you think we hate you, don’t you. With all of the bombing, and the disregard for your well-being, and the time and time-again stereotyping and profiling, I can definitely see how you might feel that way. But you have to understand that the thinking is kind of mutual there, especially after this whole “cartoon” thing that is clearly about something else.

The problem here is a lack of communication. We need to open up a dialogue here. Just to show you that I mean it, I’ll get the ball rolling. How about this: you guys shut the fuck up about all of these rules from your religion that you expect everyone in the entire world to follow just because you believe it, and we’ll do our best to stop western politicians from looking at the Middle East like a big board game where everyone inhabiting it is expendable in the cause of achieving our own, selfish goals that may have nothing to do with the region. Seems fair, right? See, that wasn’t so hard.

If we could just sit down and have more talks like this, I’m sure we would find out that our views are clogged with misconceptions. For example: you probably think that the reason the USA is so involved in the Middle East is because they want the oil. That simply isn’t true. They get all the oil they need right now from Alberta. They don’t need your oil; they just want to make sure you don’t give any of it to China. That’s all.

Now it’s your turn. Perhaps you could start by explaining that it isn’t the West that you hate. What all this really is, is the work of extremist political Muslim clerics turning their hatred towards the West because the political Islam movement was nothing more than a half-century failure, and bringing you along with them. You can admit that it’s not really us you hate; it’s that feeling of helplessness you get from realizing that your entire region is controlled by people who are no better than the “Western devils” they chastise, and will turn their backs on you at the drop of a hat for more power. It’s okay, let it all out. This is a much more constructive outlet than burning KFCs and renaming pastries.

We’re all living on the same planet, controlled by the same sociopaths, so we need to work through this, together. It’s either that, or the most atomic break-up sex in the history of the world.

Why can’t we all just be like Lil’ Prophet Muhammad here?