It’s that time of year again, time for Hollywood’s cool kids to get dressed up and act like they’re doing their part to end world hunger by getting paid millions of dollars to look natural in front of a camera. Yes, the Oscars are tomorrow, and seeing as I had such a good time ripping into the long-winded pageant of self-congratulation last year, I figured I’d give it another go.

The thing is I can’t do what I did with last year’s awards, because quite simply, this year isn’t as funny as last year. Don’t believe me? Take another look at 2007’s awards. What movie had the most nominations? That’s right, it was Dreamgirls. Need I say more? Last year’s Oscars ended up being nothing more than an excuse to give Martin Scorsese the Best Director Oscar he earned at least three times before. Overall, the field of nominated films was staggeringly weak, leaving it ripe for lampooning.

This year is different. Not only does it eat last year’s films as part of a complete breakfast, it’s easily one of the strongest cinematic years in recent memory. Looking back 15 or 20 years, only 1995’s Academy Awards come close in terms of the quality of films they had to pick from (Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump). I say this because this year, there are not one, but two films that will be regarded as timeless classics: No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Both of these films are fully deserving of every honour the motion picture industry can throw at them. It’s almost a shame they fall under the same Oscar year.

But this is exactly why this year is not as funny. In fact, it’s quite the opposite; it’s worrying. Historically, great years in film have been followed by horrible Oscar choices. Take 1977, for example. Both Taxi Driver and Network were nominated for Best Picture, but the award went to none other than the tale of that heroic Philadelphia underdog with a speech impediment, Rocky. Don’t get me wrong, Rocky is an enjoyable movie, but to say it’s better than Taxi Driver and Network is nothing short of madness. Yet that’s exactly what the Academy did.

How is that possible? Simple: the Academy Awards are all politics, or what politics would be if the only voters were old people, soccer moms, and 8-year-old girls. Every year, Oscar coverage is dominated by discussions about everything to do with each major nominee, except for the quality of their work, which is the only thing that really matters. We get to hear about who has had a longer career, who has already won a statue and who has been snubbed, who knows more Academy members, who did better at the box office, and worst of all, who has the most “buzz.” Buzz. What a bullshit word that is. Do you know what buzz really is? It’s the hot air emitted by the talking heads hired by a company to create artificial demand for whatever tribute to mediocrity they’re trying to cash in on. Buzz is fake. It’s the Astroturf of information.

This is why I’m worried. With a year this good, there are so many ways for the Academy to screw it up, so many categories to be completely wrong about.

Let’s start with Best Picture. How could they possibly screw this category up and not give the Oscar to No Country for Old Men or There Will Be Blood? It’s a no-brainer. In fact, it’s a double no-brainer. But that assumes members of the Academy have brains. Most of them just have buzz-detectors, and all of the buzz right now is centered around Juno, a decent movie that can put a smile on your face, but gets so far up its own ass with force-fed coolness that it loses any claim of greatness. If Juno wins Best Picture, it will be portrayed as the triumphant indie underdog, and everyone will go on and on about how wonderful it is to see a sweet little smart-mouthed charmer of a flick win Hollywood’s highest honour. Meanwhile, I’ll be busy vomiting up last week’s microwavable lasagna in disgust. These are the Oscars, not the 4th-grade Fun Run. A movie shouldn’t win just because it has a cute smile and tried its darndest.

Another highlight of how this year could be royally mucked up is the Best Supporting Actor list. Tom Wilkinson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Javier Bardem stole their respective movies. If I had to choose, I’d pick Bardem, but any one of these three more than deserves the award. Of course, that doesn’t mean any of them will actually win it. Apparently, Hal Holbrook might win. Why? Because he’s old, so he hangs out at the same lawn-bowling clubs as the geriatric Academy members, who make up a sizable voting base. Last time I checked, it was Best Supporting Actor, not Best Bridge Player.

Then there are the Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Director categories. Quite simply, if the Coen brothers don’t win Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay it’ll be a mockery of each category. There hasn’t been a better, more faithful film adaptation of a novel than No Country for Old Men. The style and feel of the novel is translated perfectly onto the screen. It’s the definition of the Adapted Screenplay category, and the level of visual communication employed basically spells Best Director. If the Academy has any respect for film, not just as an art form, but as a discipline, there’s no choice here.

As for Best Original Screenplay, I have this to say: fuck Diablo Cody. She wrote an average script, filled it with references so obscure they would make Dennis Miller blush, and tried to pass it off as a cool and quirky masterpiece. Unfortunately, most people are swallowing her shit like an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day. Let me make one thing clear to everyone: everything good in Juno was good in spite of Cody’s writing, not because of it. It was Reitman’s directing or the acting of a very solid ensemble cast. Even the costume designer deserves more credit than Cody for Juno’s goodness. The movie’s funniest and most endearing moments came when the script wasn’t dancing around going “swear to blog” and “Thundercats are go!” Have our standards been lowered so much that we’re won over by catch-phrases that are more at home on T-shirts than in movies? Is this what passes for good screenwriting now? Seriously, what the fuck happened?

Any other movie in this category should win. Michael Clayton was a very good movie, and the script was rock-solid. Need something more fun? Fine, Ratatouille then. Anything but Juno. We need to put an end to rewarding mediocrity in trendy clothing.

And who can forget the ever-controversial Sound Editing category. If that one sound editor guy doesn’t get the award for some reason, I might have to boycott the Oscars. He really deserves the win. You all saw the film he did. You know, the one that had his name buried somewhere in the middle of the credits. That one. Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he deserve it? I think so.

That about wraps it up for my Oscar rant. I know there are many more categories for the Academy to fuck up, but I just don’t have the time, patience, or intestinal fortitude to deal with them. Hey, at least Jon Stewart will be funny.

That is, if they let him be funny.

And we all know they won’t.

Goddammit, I fucking hate the Oscars.