Posts Tagged Awards
Ok, so maybe I don’t hate the Oscars that much…
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Entertainment on February 25, 2008
Jon Stewart was allowed to be funny, and the Coen brothers got the respect they deserved for No Country for Old Men, but Diablo Cody won Best Original Screenplay for trying too hard to be cool, so I still hate the Oscars, just to a lesser degree.
The 2008 Oscar Breakdown
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Entertainment, Rants on February 23, 2008
It’s that time of year again, time for Hollywood’s cool kids to get dressed up and act like they’re doing their part to end world hunger by getting paid millions of dollars to look natural in front of a camera. Yes, the Oscars are tomorrow, and seeing as I had such a good time ripping into the long-winded pageant of self-congratulation last year, I figured I’d give it another go.
The thing is I can’t do what I did with last year’s awards, because quite simply, this year isn’t as funny as last year. Don’t believe me? Take another look at 2007’s awards. What movie had the most nominations? That’s right, it was Dreamgirls. Need I say more? Last year’s Oscars ended up being nothing more than an excuse to give Martin Scorsese the Best Director Oscar he earned at least three times before. Overall, the field of nominated films was staggeringly weak, leaving it ripe for lampooning.
This year is different. Not only does it eat last year’s films as part of a complete breakfast, it’s easily one of the strongest cinematic years in recent memory. Looking back 15 or 20 years, only 1995’s Academy Awards come close in terms of the quality of films they had to pick from (Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump). I say this because this year, there are not one, but two films that will be regarded as timeless classics: No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Both of these films are fully deserving of every honour the motion picture industry can throw at them. It’s almost a shame they fall under the same Oscar year.
But this is exactly why this year is not as funny. In fact, it’s quite the opposite; it’s worrying. Historically, great years in film have been followed by horrible Oscar choices. Take 1977, for example. Both Taxi Driver and Network were nominated for Best Picture, but the award went to none other than the tale of that heroic Philadelphia underdog with a speech impediment, Rocky. Don’t get me wrong, Rocky is an enjoyable movie, but to say it’s better than Taxi Driver and Network is nothing short of madness. Yet that’s exactly what the Academy did.
How is that possible? Simple: the Academy Awards are all politics, or what politics would be if the only voters were old people, soccer moms, and 8-year-old girls. Every year, Oscar coverage is dominated by discussions about everything to do with each major nominee, except for the quality of their work, which is the only thing that really matters. We get to hear about who has had a longer career, who has already won a statue and who has been snubbed, who knows more Academy members, who did better at the box office, and worst of all, who has the most “buzz.” Buzz. What a bullshit word that is. Do you know what buzz really is? It’s the hot air emitted by the talking heads hired by a company to create artificial demand for whatever tribute to mediocrity they’re trying to cash in on. Buzz is fake. It’s the Astroturf of information.
This is why I’m worried. With a year this good, there are so many ways for the Academy to screw it up, so many categories to be completely wrong about.
Let’s start with Best Picture. How could they possibly screw this category up and not give the Oscar to No Country for Old Men or There Will Be Blood? It’s a no-brainer. In fact, it’s a double no-brainer. But that assumes members of the Academy have brains. Most of them just have buzz-detectors, and all of the buzz right now is centered around Juno, a decent movie that can put a smile on your face, but gets so far up its own ass with force-fed coolness that it loses any claim of greatness. If Juno wins Best Picture, it will be portrayed as the triumphant indie underdog, and everyone will go on and on about how wonderful it is to see a sweet little smart-mouthed charmer of a flick win Hollywood’s highest honour. Meanwhile, I’ll be busy vomiting up last week’s microwavable lasagna in disgust. These are the Oscars, not the 4th-grade Fun Run. A movie shouldn’t win just because it has a cute smile and tried its darndest.
Another highlight of how this year could be royally mucked up is the Best Supporting Actor list. Tom Wilkinson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Javier Bardem stole their respective movies. If I had to choose, I’d pick Bardem, but any one of these three more than deserves the award. Of course, that doesn’t mean any of them will actually win it. Apparently, Hal Holbrook might win. Why? Because he’s old, so he hangs out at the same lawn-bowling clubs as the geriatric Academy members, who make up a sizable voting base. Last time I checked, it was Best Supporting Actor, not Best Bridge Player.
Then there are the Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Director categories. Quite simply, if the Coen brothers don’t win Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay it’ll be a mockery of each category. There hasn’t been a better, more faithful film adaptation of a novel than No Country for Old Men. The style and feel of the novel is translated perfectly onto the screen. It’s the definition of the Adapted Screenplay category, and the level of visual communication employed basically spells Best Director. If the Academy has any respect for film, not just as an art form, but as a discipline, there’s no choice here.
As for Best Original Screenplay, I have this to say: fuck Diablo Cody. She wrote an average script, filled it with references so obscure they would make Dennis Miller blush, and tried to pass it off as a cool and quirky masterpiece. Unfortunately, most people are swallowing her shit like an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day. Let me make one thing clear to everyone: everything good in Juno was good in spite of Cody’s writing, not because of it. It was Reitman’s directing or the acting of a very solid ensemble cast. Even the costume designer deserves more credit than Cody for Juno’s goodness. The movie’s funniest and most endearing moments came when the script wasn’t dancing around going “swear to blog” and “Thundercats are go!” Have our standards been lowered so much that we’re won over by catch-phrases that are more at home on T-shirts than in movies? Is this what passes for good screenwriting now? Seriously, what the fuck happened?
Any other movie in this category should win. Michael Clayton was a very good movie, and the script was rock-solid. Need something more fun? Fine, Ratatouille then. Anything but Juno. We need to put an end to rewarding mediocrity in trendy clothing.
And who can forget the ever-controversial Sound Editing category. If that one sound editor guy doesn’t get the award for some reason, I might have to boycott the Oscars. He really deserves the win. You all saw the film he did. You know, the one that had his name buried somewhere in the middle of the credits. That one. Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he deserve it? I think so.
That about wraps it up for my Oscar rant. I know there are many more categories for the Academy to fuck up, but I just don’t have the time, patience, or intestinal fortitude to deal with them. Hey, at least Jon Stewart will be funny.
That is, if they let him be funny.
And we all know they won’t.
Goddammit, I fucking hate the Oscars.
Oscar Breakdown: Sunday
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Entertainment, Rants on February 25, 2007
Best Director
• Who will win: Martin Scorsese for The Departed
• Who should win: Martin Scorsese for Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, etc…
Scorsese better fucking win. I don’t care if The Departed wasn’t his best film. I don’t care if it is an Americanized version of Infernal Affairs. The academy owes Scorsese for all the times they’ve spat in his face. My only hope is that Scorsese wins, but doesn’t show as a nice big “fuck you” to Hollywood. If anyone has the right to give all of them the finger, it’s him.
Best Actor
• Who will win: Will Smith for The Pursuit of Happyness
• Who should win: Sacha Baron Cohen for Borat
I haven’t seen The Pursuit of Happyness, but I’m sure Will Smith is great in it. Likewise with Forest Whitaker in The Last King of Scotland. So why should Cohen win for Borat? Three words: balls in face.
Best Actress
• Who will win: Helen Mirren for The Queen
• Who should win: Someone from a movie I’ve seen
Just like the foreign film category, this one is filled with movies I haven’t seen, and don’t have much interest in seeing. I am tired of hearing about The Queen, though, and no matter who wins here, people will still be talking about it.
Best Adapted Screenplay
• Who will win: The Departed
• Who should win: Borat or Children of Men
This is probably my favourite category, because I like three out of the five films nominated. Borat deserves to win because of the seamless transitions between scripted and unscripted segments, and the fact that it was hilarious. Children of Men deserves all the recognition it can get because it was simply an amazing movie. But I do think The Departed will prevail, because like I keep saying, this is the year the academy says sorry to Scorsese in the only way they know how.
Best Original Screenplay
• Who will win: Letters From Iwo Jima
• Who should win: Stranger Than Fiction
I just know in the pit of my stomach that the academy has to give another award to Paul Haggis. They love him so much for making them feel so good about themselves with Crash. Personally, I think he’s a hack, and all of the melodramatic bullshit that I’ve seen from him so far confirms that. Stranger Than Fiction’s script, on the other hand, was subtle, clever, and enjoyable. How did it not even get nominated?
Best Picture
• Who will win: The Departed
• Who should win: …
I liked The Departed, and I liked Little Miss Sunshine. Babel is Crash 2, Letters From Iwo Jima is Clint Eastwood doing whatever he feels like because he knows he’ll be showered with love, and I don’t care about the British royal family. So I’ll be happy if either The Departed or Little Miss Sunshine win, but I’d put my money on The Departed. And then I’ll be relieved, because I won’t have to deal with the fucking Oscars again for a whole year.
Oscar Breakdown: Saturday
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Entertainment, Rants on February 24, 2007
Best Supporting Actor
• Who will win: Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls
• Who should win: Todd Louiso – Snakes on a Plane
Here’s another win for Dreamgirls, and another reason to want to spit in Oscar’s golden face. And it’s Eddie Murphy. That guy hasn’t been worth watching since he decided cashing big cheques was a higher priority than being funny. You don’t need to look further than Norbit (or “I dusted off those fat suits from the Nutty Professor movies because I needs me another mansion”) to see proof of how much of a sellout Murphy is. The person who should win this category isn’t even nominated. Sure, Snakes on a Plane was a terrible movie, but Louiso made it all worth while. When I saw the shy music nerd from High Fidelity playing a snake specialist who had the best line in the whole movie: “time is tissue,” I lost it. He stole the show. Samuel L. Jackson’s “muthafuckin” had nothing on that.
Best Supporting Actress
• Who will win: Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
• Who should win: Anyone other than Jennifer Hudson
Seriously, fuck Dreamgirls. What a load of studio tripe. Beyonce’s corporate songwriters and expensive costumes does not a great movie make, except if you’re the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, it seems. I really don’t care who wins this category, as long as it isn’t Jennifer Hudson, the American Idol failure who signed with a good agent. Fuck Dreamgirls.
Documentary
• Who will win: An Inconvenient Truth
• Who should win: Jesus Camp
I know that everyone feels An Inconvenient Truth is a very important documentary, but doesn’t using that as a reason it should win just end up proving the sad fact that the Oscars are more about political statements than art? Jesus Camp was a better, more focused documentary about a more sensitive subject that less people care about right now, so it doesn’t win? Bullshit. If people want to save the Earth for their children, they should also be concerned about how those children are being educated and indoctrinated. But Hollywood is more concerned about stepping on the wrong toes than it is about what film is the most deserving.
Best Foreign Language Film
• Who will win: Pan’s Labyrinth
• Who should win: Water… I guess
Why didn’t I cover this category back on Thursday? I really don’t care about who wins this. And it’s not because they’re foreign language films; it’s because none of the films catch me as particularly interesting. I guess this is a bad draft year for Hollywood.
Animated Feature
• Who will win: Cars
• Who should win: [Insert Latest Pixar Movie Here]
This is such a forgone conclusion. The Oscar always goes to Pixar’s yearly fish-out-of-water discovers the true meaning of life cookie-cutter feature. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had computers writing the scripts for them at this point: insert comic relief here, damsel in distress there, and cap it off with a big musical number that usually gets nominated for Original Song. Speaking of which…
Original Song
• Who will win: That song from An Inconvenient Truth
• Who should win: The Kazakhstan National Anthem from Borat
So let me get this straight: there are five nomination spots, so the academy gives one to Cars for the song about how the Interstate system ruined small-town America, one to that song at the end of An Inconvenient Truth that manages to be even more derivative than the Cars song, and three to Dreamgirls!? For songs that sound exactly the same!? What the fuck is that? They could have left one of those songs out to make way for the real Best Original Song: Borat’s Kazakhstan National Anthem. “All other countries have inferior potassium.” Brilliant.
Oscar Breakdown: Friday
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Entertainment, Rants on February 23, 2007
Cinematography
• Who will win: Pan’s Labyrinth
• Who should win: Children of Men
Finally, a category I’m slightly interested in. It’s a shame the academy always ends up treating this like another throw-away category, awarding it to a movie with a lot of nominations rather than the one that actually deserves it. I haven’t seen Pan’s Labyrinth, but I do know that Children of Men looked cinematically fantastic. What makes this topic a foregone conclusion is the other nominated movies. They’ve given this award to Pan’s Labyrinth, and they didn’t bother wasting time on seriously nominating four other films.
Film Editing
• Who will win: The Departed
• Who should win: Children of Men
As you can probably tell, I really liked Children of Men. I’m a sci-fi fan, especially when it comes to dystopias. And Children of Men was a really good film regardless. In terms of film editing, it’s practically seamless, which is not an easy task when you’re swapping between long steadycam shots and quick action cuts. But I doubt it will win an Oscar. It got the afterthought treatment in the nominations. Plus, I really do think this year is all about giving Scorsese 30 years of unpaid Oscar fellatio. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, I just hate the fact that the academy is going to think this makes up for choosing Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas. Morons.
Sound Editing
• Who will win: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
• Who should win: Any one will do
Oscar rule #1: you don’t make one of the highest-grossing films of all time without carrying home a few statues for it. Besides, these days, sound editing is about who can fit in the most loud, dynamic, and downright goofy sounds into a scene without the audience going “oh come on, fuck you, no butter churner makes that much noise.”
Sound Mixing
• Who will win: Dreamgirls
• Who should win: Pirates
Dreamgirls will win this, and other categories, for one simple reason: Oscar loves the musicals. It’s infuriating. I didn’t even like Pirates, and I’d rather see it win here. When the nominations were announced, there was a lot of buzz and bitching about how Dreamgirls didn’t get one for Best Picture. To me, that just might be enough to prove that there is a God. But the fact that this Blaxploitation Chicago will probably take home most of what it was nominated for promptly disproves that.
Visual Effects
• Who will win: Pirates
• Who should win: Basic Instinct 2
Pirates will take this, because Superman Returns and Poseidon were both flops. I know that’s hard to believe in the case of Superman Returns, but when your production budget pushes 300-million, it’s automatically a flop. No movie should cost that much. Forget feeding a village, you could support a third-world country with that cash. But the real tragedy in this category is the overlooking of Basic Instinct 2. Any movie that can make Sharon Stone still look doable deserves some recognition. I mean, holy shit, there’s enough botox, collagen, hair-plugs, silicone, and airbrushing in that movie to support a third-world country.
Original Score
• Who will win: John Williams
• Who should win: There’s nobody else nominated
Over the years, I’ve developed a little conspiracy theory: just like Samuel L. Jackson is in every movie, John Williams does the score to every movie. He uses dozens of other identities to make it seem like there is competition, but I know the truth. Williams has become the master of generic movie mood music. It’s an exact science to him. So every time you see another person accepting the Oscar for Best Original Score, rest assured that they will either hand it off to John Williams once off stage, or they actually are John Williams in a mask, and possibly in drag.
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