Short Film – Animated
• Who will win: No Time For Nuts, because people have actually seen it
• Who should win: The Danish Poet, because it’s Canadian
I don’t really care if a Canadian wins this category or not, but I also don’t give a shit about the category itself, so go Canada. Besides, at this point, I’m fairly certain Pixar is planning on using Oscar statues as the main building material in their new corporate headquarters. There’s no other reason to constantly make grabs at nothing categories like this one.
Short Film – Live Action
• Who will win: The most pretentious film
• Who should win: Something off of YouTube
It makes more sense to give the award to somebody on YouTube, because let’s be honest, short films are something filmmakers make as practice for the real thing. I know a good short story has just as much merit as a novel, but the film industry is designed for the feature-length film, end of discussion. Start awarding this Oscar to a YouTube amateur. Granted, the academy will have to wade through the thigh-high levels of vlog piss and jackass-wannabe shit in the entertainment sewer that is YouTube, but there are some gold nuggets down there too. You just have to look for them.
Documentary Short
• Who will win: How should I know
• Who should win: I haven’t seen any of these
Okay, enough with the short films. Does anyone make these by choice? There’s no audience, and therefore no money in shorts. Especially documentary shorts. These are the documentary ideas that weren’t good enough to find feature-length funding. Why are they getting rewarded for this?
Art Direction
• Who will win: Some guys for some movie that was nominated to pad that movie’s nomination count
• Who should win: Probably those guys
I didn’t think it was possible, but this category makes me wish there was another short film category, because they’re more interesting than the interior designer’s wet dream that is art direction. Sometimes I wonder if the people winning these awards really know that the only reason they’re getting them is so the “Winner of __ Academy Awards!” title across the top of the movie’s DVD case can look more impressive. But they probably can’t even see past their own smug sense of self-importance. They fit right in with the rest of Hollywood.
Makeup
• Who will win: Pan’s Labyrinth
• Who should win: Apocalypto
This is another fairly meaningless filler category, and I’m not really sure who should win, but I do know it would be a nice little “fuck you” to Mel Gibson if the Jewish media conspiracy gave his latest epic a few statues. It would really put a hole in his theory. Plus, we’d probably get to see him call one of the hot female presenters “sugar tits.”
Costume Design
• Who will win: Who fucking cares!?
• Who should win: Why did I commit to doing this all week?
This is why the Oscar broadcast sucks balls. They could move all of these categories off air and save about an hour of everyone’s time. Honestly, this is worse filler than the breading on a Chinese chicken ball. Nobody wants to see a fashion designer with Hollywood connections thank their entire high-school yearbook because they won an award for copying period designs. The only way any of this would be interesting is if, instead of cuing the orchestra to say time’s up, the Academy hired snipers and instructed them to take the shot as soon as that clock hit zero. I’d watch that.
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