Archive for category Images
Canadian Poli-sticks – I: Budget 2007
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Images, Politics on March 23, 2007
My Conversation With God
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Images, Politics, Religion on May 16, 2006
god says: oi
cbattaglia says: hey there
god says: lol
cbattaglia says: ?
god says: u know who i am?
cbattaglia says: sure. you’re the big cheese
god says: lmao, got that right
cbattaglia says: what’s up?
god says: nothing much. u?
cbattaglia says: same
god says: …so, got any questions for me?
cbattaglia says: i guess… is that why you’re talking to me?
god says: sure. lol
cbattaglia says: ok. well, i guess the biggest one right now would be: why are you talking to me?
god says: why not?
cbattaglia says: seems kind of random. i mean, i don’t even believe in you. usually you appear to people who already preach about you 24/7
god says: yeah… i’m kind of tired of those guys. they’re mostly brown-nosers and spin doctors, so i figured i’d try something different today
cbattaglia says: is that why you’re using MSN, instead of the preferred “visions” methods?
god says: how do you know this isn’t just a vision?
cbattaglia says: …touche, god.
god says: lol
cbattaglia says: but seriously, why me: an atheist? why not a Muslim or Buddhist or Hindu?
god says: y would i appear before them? i’m looking for a change here. they already believe in me
cbattaglia says: how so?
god says: at the core, all spiritual beliefs are the same. they’re about knowing deep down that there is something more out there, some sort of presence, and framework, guiding a universe that feels too complex to be random
cbattaglia says: i see, but they all believe different things…
god says: the core is the same, and that core is me. to some, i am more than one being. to others, i have more eyes or limbs. some even believe that i have no physically recognizable form. the interpretations may vary, but my existence is constant
cbattaglia says: ok, but if this is true, why all the fighting in hatred done in your name? it’s kind of pointless if they’re all fighting for the same side
god says: lol, don’t go pinning that on me. and yes, it’s completely pointless. the fact that they commit these atrocities in my name pisses me off to no end
cbattaglia says: then why don’t you stop it?
god says: because that’s not how i roll. i’m not the babysitter of earth, or any of the other planets. the reason i gave u guys free will was so that i wouldn’t have to hold ur hand all the time. i have a life too, y’know
cbattaglia says: ok, makes sense
cbattaglia says: wait… other planets? do those planets have life?
god says: of course! lmao y wouldn’t i put life on other planets? u guys aren’t my 1 special little project. and i must say, u aren’t the best of the bunch, either. not the worst, but…
cbattaglia says: hehe, i bet
god says: anyway, like i was saying, i don’t enjoy being attached to the causes of everyone who craves comfort, power, validation, etc, but i can’t really blame them. false security is the warmest blanket there is. i do hate it when i’m held responsible for nature’s stuff though. that shit is on autopilot. it just works with what it’s given
cbattaglia says: so gays didn’t cause you to make Katrina?
god says: lol no, and what’s with people attaching me to their views on gays? i have no problem with them. what i do have a problem with is my name being used to mask personal insecurities
cbattaglia says: doesn’t it say something in the bible about homosexuality being wrong?
god says: i didn’t write that thing. lol this is what i was talking about earlier: the spin doctors. i may be at the core of all spirituality, but everything that branches off of that isn’t from me
cbattaglia says: i see… so you don’t endorse any “holy” texts?
god says: lmao! NO! do u know how many times those things have been translated, interpreted and re-written to include or exclude certain passages??? i’m pretty sure there’s even a story out there about my son making a trip to Utah. it’s like a plot for a bad teen movie. i don’t even have a son. lol
cbattaglia says: wow. interesting. so jesus wasn’t yours?
god says: …no, and i won’t pay the child support, either. mary’s just trying to cash in on the lie
cbattaglia says: so all of this stuff that happens, everything done in your name, it’s all bullshit?
god says: well, i’ll be honest: no. i do enjoy screwing around with the brown-nosers a bit to see where they’ll take it. like, i’ll appear for some believer all important-sounding with a quest that really has no meaning, and sit back while the drama unfolds. it’s pretty funny
cbattaglia says: that’s a little petty for the almighty, no?
god says: hey, i get bored too. u guys r my tv. lol
god says: if u think that’s bad, u should see what i’ve done to other places…
cbattaglia says: i don’t think i want to know
god says: lol
cbattaglia says: one thing i would like to know, though, is what happens when we die
god says: u die
cbattaglia says: …and?
god says: that’s it
cbattaglia says: oh
god says: lol, don’t worry, reality is a tricky thing. u still technically live on in the hearts and minds of those who knew u, so u’re not completely gone, if u catch my drift
cbattaglia says: i think i do… sort of
god says: lol
god says: i g2g
cbattaglia says: ok, cool, but just so you know: i still don’t believe in you
god says: oh? why not?
cbattaglia says: because our conversation here proves you exist, yet (as referenced by Douglas Adams) you refused to ever do that, because “proof denies faith, and without faith, i am nothing.”
god says: oh, right… lol
*god has signed off
The Danish Muhammad Cartoons
Posted by Chris Battaglia in Images, Politics, Rants, Religion on March 9, 2006
Okay Muslim world, be honest. All of this outrage you’re expressing has nothing to do with the cartoons, does it?
The cartoons depicting your prophet were published last September, and you’re still protesting them. Nobody throws a tantrum like this over a bunch of drawings, so be honest. This isn’t about the cartoons.
Is it because we always leave the toilet seat up? I know it must be difficult for you to go in those big cover-all drapes you wear.
Do we take too many nights out with the guys? Is it because you don’t believe we’re just playing a little poker and smoking a few cigars?
Have we been forgetting to hug you and say how much we love you? Did we say you looked fat in that robe? Is this a culmination of a bunch of factors that have been building up over time?
Wait, I think I’ve got it: you think we hate you, don’t you. With all of the bombing, and the disregard for your well-being, and the time and time-again stereotyping and profiling, I can definitely see how you might feel that way. But you have to understand that the thinking is kind of mutual there, especially after this whole “cartoon” thing that is clearly about something else.
The problem here is a lack of communication. We need to open up a dialogue here. Just to show you that I mean it, I’ll get the ball rolling. How about this: you guys shut the fuck up about all of these rules from your religion that you expect everyone in the entire world to follow just because you believe it, and we’ll do our best to stop western politicians from looking at the Middle East like a big board game where everyone inhabiting it is expendable in the cause of achieving our own, selfish goals that may have nothing to do with the region. Seems fair, right? See, that wasn’t so hard.
If we could just sit down and have more talks like this, I’m sure we would find out that our views are clogged with misconceptions. For example: you probably think that the reason the USA is so involved in the Middle East is because they want the oil. That simply isn’t true. They get all the oil they need right now from Alberta. They don’t need your oil; they just want to make sure you don’t give any of it to China. That’s all.
Now it’s your turn. Perhaps you could start by explaining that it isn’t the West that you hate. What all this really is, is the work of extremist political Muslim clerics turning their hatred towards the West because the political Islam movement was nothing more than a half-century failure, and bringing you along with them. You can admit that it’s not really us you hate; it’s that feeling of helplessness you get from realizing that your entire region is controlled by people who are no better than the “Western devils” they chastise, and will turn their backs on you at the drop of a hat for more power. It’s okay, let it all out. This is a much more constructive outlet than burning KFCs and renaming pastries.
We’re all living on the same planet, controlled by the same sociopaths, so we need to work through this, together. It’s either that, or the most atomic break-up sex in the history of the world.
Why can’t we all just be like Lil’ Prophet Muhammad here?
Recent Comments